Inquisition

Sometimes I wonder what I would do or say under torture. Yeah, that's probably a pretty horrible thing to think about, but I used to think about it a lot. Especially when I used to read or think about the Holocaust. Or anyone who has ever suffered and died in Jesus' name.

Torture is so brutal and I can't even bare to watch real or fake versions of it on TV. Most of the time I feel good about that fact because it means that despite the violence crazed world I live in I am still sensitive to brutality. I am not a numb-apathetic-desensitized borg that can watch people get sawed in half with blood flying everywhere and reach for more popcorn.

On the other hand, I think 'wow April, what are you ever going to do if you have to deal with something like that in your life?' Which I guess is probably a stupid thing to think about seriously. But I just do. Probably for the same reason I don't like the idea of getting drunk. I wonder what I would do, what I would say, what would come out?

I don't know. I like to think that I am a decent person. I have flaws, cracks, made mistakes, have regrets as much as the next person. But what kind of a person would I turn into if I was really put under pressure? Would I be true to who I think I am, or would I become something else entirely?

Am I who I think I am or do I just use who I think I am as a cover for who I really am?

Would I be one of those people who gives in and gives up when the going gets tough? Would I sell out for a little relief?

I guess the only truth is that I hope I wouldn't. I hope that I am who I think I am, and becoming the person I wish to be, and I hope that I wouldn't give in no matter what.

I'll never really know unless something horrific happens, and I'm grateful for that; I don't want anything to happen!

I really just want to discover my own heart. To feel what it feels more fully. To explore it's depths so that I never have to be surprised at what it reveals in any situation. There's that whole quote that is begging to be said "To thine own self be true." Yeah, well I'd rather be true to God. His values are what I aspire to.